Woman Bound and Brought to Sexual Pleasure Over and Over Again
How often do you want sexual activity? And is that plenty? Not wanting plenty sex is the large problem for most women who consult me as a clinical sexologist. And most sex activity therapists volition concord that having a low level of sexual want is a problem. Merely the majority of these women are heterosexual with male partners who are – you guessed it – complaining. Lesbian couples don't normally present with like problems. So I guess I should say "relatively low levels of sexual desire!"
Over and over over again I've found that moving in together does create a drop in frequency of sexual activity for all couples regardless of gender. Long distance romance remains exciting because information technology provides space and distance interspersed with sexy weekend liaisons. But which is "normal" – the level of desire we experience early in a relationship or what unfolds later on?
Women's desire levels are generally lower to start with. And we don't need decades of research to know that men usually remember more about sexual practice, daydream more about it, work harder to get information technology, place more importance on it, initiate it more often, and masturbate more. What seems to ignite desire for women is the excitement and novelty of a budding new romance.
This is why couples therapist Esther Perel points out that "expert intimacy doesn't always guarantee practiced sex." Her book Mating in Domesticity is a classic that I recommend to couples struggling with these issues. In information technology she points out that "the very elements that nurture love – reciprocity, mutuality, protection, closeness, emotional security, predictability – are sometimes the very things that stifle desire."
Considering nosotros tend to be caregivers, women take intendance of our menfolk in committed relationships, much equally we take care of children and pets. Then these guys start to feel like a blood brother or worse nevertheless a child, and sex with family unit members is a definite no-no in our culture. Children and pets need caregiving, which we provide as an human action of love. Sexual desire requires that our lover does not demand the states.
Researcher Marta Meana'southward recent written report documents a severe decline in sexual desire among nineteen married women. For some, formalizing their relationship as marriage made sexual activity then available and and then sanctioned that it lost the forbidden and erotic quality that had formerly ignited passion. For other women, overfamiliarity with their husband led to a decline in romance and in sexual experimentation, as well as a loss of motivation to intendance for their appearance now that they had "hooked their homo."
A third group of women reported that holding downwards a job, being mom, and being a wife was overwhelming and "highly desexualizing," making it extremely difficult to shift into romantic mode subsequently irresolute diapers and fulfilling their professional roles. Many of the participants in all iii groups specifically noted that while they were committed to their spousal relationship, they idea desire would render if someone new came along who desired them.
Every bit Meara puts information technology, "Women want a commitment because it signals they are uniquely desired. But once a commitment has been fabricated, your guy is stuck and the meaning of commitment changes. In women, desire may exist driven to the aforementioned extent as it is in men by novelty and excitement and a stranger thinking they are hot."
Over and higher up anyone else, we are our ain point of reference for how sexy we are. Feeling good about ourselves emotionally and physically appears to be a bigger mediator of female desire than men's. This certainly bears out in my conversations with female clients.
Recently, for example, a adult female told me that she no longer wanted to have sex activity "on elevation" of or astride her mate, "because my stomach sticks out and it would look terrible to him from that angle!" He shook his head, "Honey, I probably don't even have my eyes open … that used to be your favorite position because it felt best to you lot … what else could possibly matter?"
What do the rest of you call up nearly all this?
© Copyright 2011 by Jill Denton, LMFT, CSAT, CCS. All Rights Reserved. Permission to publish granted to GoodTherapy.org.
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Source: https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/women-committed-relationships-lose-sexual-desire/
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